lost?

almost everyone i know seems to have a blog now. thanks to friendster.com, blogging has suddenly become the 'in' thing for those who have a bit of a basic knowledge in using computers and the internet. almost everyone i know in mmu already jumped on the bandwagon, but they would soon find out, that a blog is unlike a diary, where you can write anything you want without other people finding out. unless, of course, you willingly let them.

for me, i'm having this blog just to pen down my thoughts and what has been going on with my life. i recently realized that i have forgotten a lot of things from the past, such as my childhood days where i spent a lot of time being naked and playing in the rain, or how i was punished for misbehaving, my kindergarten days and friends and certain primary school memories. sometimes i really need some reminding before i can really remember things.

this blog also functions as a way keeping my friends in overseas updated about my life. then again, it wasn't quite successful as i thought it would be.

i knew i wasn't blogging for a big audience, and that is the basic reason why i did not publicize my blog address to everyone i know.

reading my old post, i also realized that i've lost my flair of writing. suddenly, my post have all become...dull. in fact, it might actually represent what kind of a person i am in real life now. i used to be known as the happy-go-lucky guy back in high school. i seemed to have no worries about my exams or my future. i'm constantly teasing and laughing and making all sorts of stupid jokes in the class. it's actually very flattering that someone back then would tell me that he will remember me as the joker of the class.

only just 2 weeks ago, when i was on my way back in melaka, i received a call from a former form 6 classmate, who told me that they have some sort of gathering that night. although i wasn't informed about it, what i heard next made my heart sank. she actually told me that most of them won't be going unless i'm there! since i couldn't make it in time, i promised to meet them the next day, which i duly did.

what i'm trying to imply here is that i have great friends back in high school, but the same can't be said about those i know from my uni days.

from the first day i stepped into mmu, i've told myself to fly under the radar. it worked for a week or so, but then i soon find out it's hard not to make new friends. i still remember the night where 4 campus mate added me in their icq list at about the same time. yet, even as i was doing so, there is a certain someone, whom i am sure i have never offended before, started to spread rumours about me. i didn't know about it for almost a full year, and what shocked me more was the fact that that particular person, was the brother of one of my high school classmate and my best friend's cousin!

things never went smoothly since the beginning anyway, and it was getting worse with each passing year. somehow, i felt there's a big "HATE ME" sign emblazoned across my forehead. rumours about me, a variety of them, were flying in every corner. some of them were so absurd and ridiculous to the point that i'm confused as to whether to cry or laugh at hearing them. i believe jealousy, played a big part too.

nevertheless, there were some, albeit a few, who managed to keep me sane.

undoubtedly though, my dream of having a memorable yet pleasant uni life goes down the drain.

sheesh, i'm talking like i've already graduated even though i still have 2 sems to go after my industrial training.

somehow, during my industrial training, i've got to meet some old high school mates which i've lost contact for quite sometime. most of them are already working or freshly graduated. in fact, they made me feel as though they've move on a lot since our last meeting whereas i'm still stagnant and going nowhere. average achievers during high school days turned out to be working for multinational companies with a comfortable salary. yeah, i think i'm lost...